by Joanie Butman
Speaking about interesting cases, the doctors may have found it fascinating when I was diagnosed, but ‘interesting’ is not the adjective I’d choose in describing what ails me. It took me six years just to learn how to pronounce retroperitoneal liposarcoma. After 12 years, I’m as bored with dealing with it as you probably are with hearing about it. Sometimes when I see a person I haven’t seen for a while, they do a double take, and I’m sure they’re thinking, “You’re still here?!” Last week I bumped into a woman who was obviously startled to see me. She began “Didn’t you…” and stumbled for a word. She finally came up with “…move or something?” We both knew what that something was.
Clearly, God had other plans. Those plans require another surgery next week. You’d think there wouldn’t be anything left to remove and hopefully it will just be the tumor this time, leaving my few remaining organs intact. I think I hold the dubious honor of being on the prayer chain the longest, which is infinitely better than some other infamous accomplishments I would just as soon forget if my friends would let me!
Anyway, this is a round-about way of saying I won’t be writing for a month or so. You might say I will be doing field research because God moments abound in a cancer ward. If the Promised Land is wherever God is, this visit to Sloane Kettering will be more of a pilgrimage than my journey to Israel last year. It sounds bizarre, but I look forward to spending a week in His arms and discovering what adventure He has in store for me this time. I have no delusions. A divine adventure usually involves discomfort and pain, but that is where the trust bond becomes the strongest and His best work is accomplished.
After my initial diagnosis in December 2007, I heard the song, “I Choose.” It became my prayer and anthem through all of this and is an excellent reminder to anyone who is hurting that we may not have a choice in regard to what happens to us, but our response is a choice and a privilege that we can never lose.
I share the song as encouragement to choose to trust God regardless of what you’re facing. There are a lot more painful situations than surgery. Doctors can prescribe plenty of effective pain meds for post-op pain. However, you can’t be anesthetized for life (though people self-medicate all the time), and there is some pain that no drugs can reach. For that kind of suffering, Christ is the healer you need to consult and always the wise choice.
One last note, my implicit trust is not naivete. It doesn’t guarantee a positive outcome, but it provides a peace that transcends human understanding and a conviction that I can face whatever happens as long as God is by my side.
I Choose
by
Rodney Griffin
Master, may I be so honest?
Could I admit the way I feel?
I’m hurting. It seems that You’ve forsaken.
I wonder, is Your love for me still real?
Though my friends think I am happy,
unaffected by this trial,
they can’t see the pain I’m hiding
just underneath my smile.
Master, I can’t live this way anymore.
So, today, I make my choice.
I choose to believe that You are faithful,
and my heart is in Your hands,
and this mystery that I face today is part
of a greater plan.
I choose not to be discouraged when the sun will not break through.
I have the choice of trusting You.
So, Lord, this is what I choose.
I know this road will not be easy.
I know I’ll have my weaker days.
And Satan will tell me I don’t mean it when I say
I’ll trust God all the way.
But that really doesn’t matter.
I refuse to hear him out.
With my faith, I’ll find the power that will
overcome all doubt.
Lord, I’ve never felt so strong as when I’m resting in Your arms.
I choose to believe that You are faithful,
and my heart is in Your hands,
and this mystery that I face today is
part of a greater plan.
I choose not to be discouraged when the
sun will not break through.
I have the choice of trusting You.
So, Lord, this is what I choose.
This is what I choose. Gonna trust You, Lord.
I choose!
To listen to I Choose:
If you want to follow my progress, you can visit my caring bridge site at link below after Tuesday.