My GFFs

by Joanie Butman

As opposed to a BFF, a GFF is simply Great Friends Forever. The concept of a BEST friend has always bothered me because by definition, it diminishes your other friends. Only one can be the best, which means the others must be less than. There is plenty of room in life to have many GREAT friends of equal importance to you in as many ways as there are people. That is the amazing thing about love. No two are the same, there is an infinite supply, and the more you give away, the more you get in return.

I write this on a snowy day after an afternoon spent with my childhood friends. I am sitting on the train smiling with the sweetness of our laughter still playing upon my lips along with the cappuccino ice cream we shared for dessert.

The best thing about having life-long friends is that you never forget your roots. Regardless of the paths we’ve taken, when we get together we are in every respect the same young girls who composed our theme song and proudly christened ourselves The Insuranettes. We share a bond that is undoubtedly unique as is any friendship. Over the years I have also developed other close friendships whose names reflect the nature of their dynamic: the Wonderettes, the Lunch Bunch and the Bible Babes are just a few examples.

Our name, The Insuranettes, was born out of sheer boredom on one of the hundreds of afternoons we loitered on the stoop of the insurance company around the corner from our school in Brooklyn. Though the name came much later, the friendship was conceived in first grade. Some joined in second grade, some even later, and I can’t actually remember when the eight of us solidified as a definitive group. All I know is that this group of eight girls, then teens, then young women, and now middle-aged women came of age together and continue to do so. We went through all our ‘firsts’ together, our first kiss, first date, etc. If I didn’t know something, it was to them I turned. I remember being on a date and being asked something I didn’t understand. I excused myself, went to a payphone (remember them?) and still recall blushing profusely when they explained what I had just been asked. We’ve ridden the rollcoaster of life together watching each other graduate, marry, divorce, marry again, have babies, go through health challenges, anguish over our families, bury parents and siblings, and any other number of life events.

So what did we talk about for five hours on that snowy afternoon? Our choices and how they shaped our lives. We all made our share of good and bad ones, and were equally amazed as we reflected on both. We all agreed we wouldn’t change a thing (except maybe a haircut or two) as they shaped the women we became.

I sat there thinking this was a timely visit following the launch of the Choose Wisely! website. The consensus regarding our youth was that we are lucky we survived. Choices to go sledding on “Dead Man’s Hill” which ended on the Belt Parkway, choices to hitchhike and some of the crazy situations we found ourselves in, choices in boyfriends, spouses, fashion faux pas, just to name a few. In fact, they all seem to remember a lot more about me than I do – and none of it complimentary. For instance, they insist I use to wear a leather bustier, but unless one of them can produce a photo, I will stick with my own selective memory.

There is nothing safer than being in a relationship with someone who knows EVERYTHING about you yet still remains a loyal friend. There is a certain freedom to be yourself that comes easily and naturally, which is why even though we do not see each other on a daily basis, we slip back into our camaraderie like one might slip into a pair of their favorite jeans, old and worn out but comfortable because they fit just right.

For our 50th birthdays, we all bought an infinity necklace whose meaning is twofold: It looks like an eight, the number of members in our group, and the infinity signifies the lasting nature of our friendship. How ironic that just three years later the infinity sign would become an integral part of the Choose Wisely! logo. There is no doubt that choosing your friends will be some of the most important choices you make in life. Why? W. Clement Stone explains, “Be careful of the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them."

These women watched me make horrendous choices but were like a homing beacon to remind me of who I was and of the values instilled through a common upbringing and years of Catholic school. Yes, I was rebellious, but the fact that they and my family never wavered in their love for me despite my choices gave me the assurance to finally acknowledge and accept the values I had been taught as my own. Maybe The Assuranettes would have been a more appropriate name for us.

I have often wondered if I hadn’t been taken out of the security of that group when I was entering high school whether I would have made better choices simply because of their influence and the security they provided. I will never know. It is a moot issue. I had no control over the decision to move away, and I am sorry to say my response was not a healthy one. The anger about being taken out of that community led me down a self-destructive path that lasted for years. In hindsight, I can see it clearly now but couldn’t have told you at the time the reason for my rebellion. Though I returned to Brooklyn just three years later, those were damaging years that set me on a course I stubbornly chose to cling to for years.

The litany of bad choices I made during that time is legendary, but the choice to turn back and embrace the very things I was rebelling against has got to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Today I am a product of the Catholic upbringing, the values and the loyal friendships that were played out once upon a time on a building stoop in Brooklyn and are still being played out in our lives and in the lives of those we touch.

So many people come in and out of our lives - maybe for a moment or maybe for a lifetime. Regardless, all leave their own imprint and unique story as part of the tapestry of our life. Do you have a friendship story to share? A broken friendship? A reconciled friendship? A beautiful friendship? Why not choose to write one to honor it, cherish it, mourn it or maybe even bury it?

A Blue Moment

by Joanie Butman

Ever since the Choose Wisely! project started, stories have landed in my lap. Actually, stories have been landing in my lap all my life. I suppose that is why I started writing – so I wouldn’t forget them. Anyway, this recent one is a perfect example. I could call it How My Husband Found Me in the Arms of Another Man because that would surely grab the reader’s attention. Sadly, if he had walked in on us, he probably would have just shaken his head and mumbled something like, “Not another one.”

It all began with a plumbing issue. I have never underestimated the value of a good plumber, but that appreciation was about to rise to an entirely new level. I will spare you the smelly details, but Bob (the plumber) arrived to determine the cause of a heinous odor that was pervading our house. I brought him into the basement and gladly left him to do his thing. Minutes later the problem was diagnosed, and he set about replacing a cracked pipe after warning me that he was cutting the pipe, he didn’t have a change of clothes so I had to PROMISE not to flush the toilet while he was working. I’m glad I didn’t forget because if I had, the following story would have been dramatically different. Anyway, a couple of hours later he came up to wash his hands and let me know he was done. He walked into my office and said, “I see you’re a Christian. Where do you go to church?” That started an amazing conversation with this man I just met and may or may not ever see again. I had to ask, “How did you know I was a Christian?” I imagined being surrounded by a glowing light or something divine like that, but it was simply from a Bible verse he saw on the counter when he was washing his hands.

I remembered the prayer I said just an hour or so before Bob arrived. I asked God, “What do you want me to do today? If there is something I need to do, please let me know.” Here was my answer delivered right to my office. He had a story for me to write. And do you know what this man said to me before he even knew what I did? “I’m just here to encourage you.” I secretly hoped that encouragement would include the permanent elimination of the stench in the basement. Then as we talked and shared stories, it became even more meaningful. We shared stories about our family and our faith journeys. He cried as he described how faithful God has been to him throughout his life. He spoke about his recovery, his church, his marriage, his children, his friends, and his business with his Christian faith beautifully woven throughout. All because he saw a bible verse I had printed out for my daughter on the counter.

As I thanked him and we hugged goodbye, he repeated “I’m just here to encourage you to continue doing what you’re doing.” There were more messages in the details of our conversation, but that was the one that meant the most to me on many levels – none of which included that long-forgotten pipe. What a gift this man gave me at no cost to himself except his time. Something too many of us aren’t willing to give. He also said something as I walked him to the door, “You can’t make this stuff up!” I had to laugh and agree; no one is going to believe this one – except maybe my husband who has always claimed, “When I die, I want to come back as a worker at your house!” Plus, he may not have found me in their arms, but he has walked in on me deep in conversation with any number of men: the headmaster of my children’s school, teachers, contractors, painters, masons, even the mailman. Nothing surprises him anymore.

My thoughts then turned to a book I was reading the previous day, Simple Graces, The Quiet Gifts of Everyday Life. In it Ken Nerburn speaks about how people live in fear. “We all live in fear of being judged by others while the empty space between us is waiting to be filled by a simple gesture of human caring.” He goes on to discuss “blue moments,” which is what I believe I experienced with my new friend. Nerburn learned about blue moments in his 20s while overseas.  An elderly woman noticed a frightened, ill, lonely, distraught young man and took him under her wing for just a few minutes to teach him a valuable lesson.

The blue moment can happen any time or any place. It is a moment when you are truly alive to the world around you (including being momentarily connected to someone on a deep level). It can be a moment of love or a moment of terror. You may not know it when it happens. It may only reveal itself in memory. But if you are patient and open your heart, the blue moment will come. Listen carefully to me. This is a blue moment. I really believe it. We will never forget it (and indeed he did not). At this moment you and I are closer to each other than to any other human being. Seize this moment. Hold it. Don’t turn from it. It will pass and we will be as we were. But this is a blue moment, and the blue moments string together like pearls to make up your life. It is up to you to find them. It is up to you to make them. It is up to you to bring them alive in others. Always seek the blue moment. 

I’ve had these experiences all my life but never knew there was a name for them. I always considered them God moments and still do. How curious that she chose to call them blue moments. Blue has such a melancholy connotation, and these moments are anything but. I always come away with a skip in my step, energized, joyful and overflowing with gratitude for the gift of that moment. It is life at its purest. I meet people in that empty space every day. I can honestly say the best part of me lives in that space. It is also the first part of me to be sacrificed when I choose to let my life get too busy to spend time there. Much like Nerburn’s grandmotherly tutor, Bob walked into my office and my life for a couple of hours but probably left a bigger impact than some I’ve known for a lifetime.

Yes, I suppose it is fear above all else that keeps people from connecting, from sharing their stories, from encouraging each other. We all hold the power to connect, but it is only useful when we aren’t afraid to exercise it. Think about it, what’s the worst that can happen? The other person brushes you off.  So what? You won’t walk away wondering if you just missed an opportunity to experience a blue moment. I firmly believe that even if they choose not to show it, the gruffest of souls are softened (if only briefly) by a few kind words, a pat on the back or, if the occasion calls for it, a hug.

I thought about what I learned:

1. The importance of choosing not to overschedule yourself to the point where you don’t have time to experience the unexpected. You miss out on some of the best life has to offer.
2. Choose to be generous with the gift of encouragement.
3. Choose to be open to others, and they will be open to you.
4. Choose to seek and treasure blue moments.

Do you have a blue moment you would be willing to share?

P.S. That's Bob (the husband) in the photos.

Decision Making 101

by Joanie Butman

Decision making is a difficult but valuable skill to learn early in life. Sadly, I’ve noticed this area is a weak link for the upcoming generation. Being the product of helicopter parents might be the culprit. Since birth, many have micromanaged their children’s lives down to the smallest detail, never allowing them the freedom to choose and potentially fail. For reasons I can’t explain, failure is not an option for these children—too bad, because it is an excellent teacher. Being given the privilege of making a bad choice and suffering the ensuing consequences is as much of a gift as making a good choice and being rewarded with the knowledge that you did the right thing and the personal satisfaction and confidence that instills. It is the birth of integrity. How does one learn the process of decision making if never given the opportunity to practice? You don’t. Then these kids are shipped off to college with the expectation of knowing how to cope. Is it any mystery as to why counseling is such a huge part of the college budget or why psychological problems are reaching epidemic proportions amongst our youth? We aren’t preparing our children for the real world. This phenomenon is one of the major reasons behind the Choose Wisely! project. By discussing how we as adults make decisions, perhaps the next generation will learn from our example. Or maybe not. All we can do is pass down our own experiences and let them decide if they are helpful.

When faced with a difficult decision, we all rely on our belief systems. Everyone has one regardless of what you choose to call it. If your belief system values educational success, your decisions will be based on achieving that goal. If your belief system values financial success, every decision you make will be geared toward getting you closer to that end. If your belief system values spirituality above all else, that will be your guiding force.

Even so, there are times when the wise decision isn’t clear or maybe it is, but it isn’t easy. There are a lot of grey areas where the choice might just be the lesser of two imperfect ones. The most important legacy a parent can leave a child is their values, and for most of us, it is the value system on which we were raised that becomes our moral compass. Contrary to my impetuous youth, as I matured, the most important piece of wisdom I picked up was to stop and take time for careful consideration before making any significant decisions. In addition, I have learned to seek the counsel of others during this time of deliberation. First and foremost, I pray for guidance. Rarely does God answer audibly as He did with Moses, but He does answer, and it is often through those to whom I am directed.  The type of decision I am facing will dictate whose opinions I solicit. If I am seeking spiritual advice, I wouldn’t go to my fashionista friend (though they are not necessarily mutually exclusive). Depending on the situation, I will seek out people whose wisdom and integrity I respect or those with experience in a certain area or someone who has faced a similar situation. These are not always friends per se; sometimes they are total strangers. When I am struggling with a decision, I seek out people with the courage to speak the truth whether or not I am going to like it. I don’t need someone who is going to tell me what they think I want to hear or someone who is going to give me advice that will further their own agenda – and believe me, I’ve known and been sabotaged by both. People with the courage to speak the truth to you are rare, so when you find them, don’t be afraid to welcome them into your life just because you might not like what they are going to reveal to you. They are offering a gift. It would be foolish not to accept it. Once again, it’s your choice.

Now, that’s not to say that I always heed their advice or opinions, but I do take them into consideration.  Often, an objective viewpoint may be just what is needed to offer needed perspective. With age I have realized that sometimes the most important skill is to acknowledge what I don’t know as opposed to what I do. Knowing when to defer to others can be incredibly freeing. Some of the best decisions I’ve made are those when I’ve recognized the need for someone else’s guidance and sought the knowledge, experience, and expertise of others. It is my hope that at some point, the Choose Wisely! website might be a connecting place for people to find others who have faced similar situations and decisions—a place to seek out the wisdom, compassion and encouragement of others who have traveled a similar road.

Is there someone in your life that helped you when you were struggling with a major decision? Can you talk about how this person’s influence affected your decision and ultimately your life?

Storytelling Lights My Fire...

When I interviewed Jack (The Barefoot Yacht Club) for the Choose Wisely project, I knew his time was limited and so did he. Even so, I thought I would see him again before he died. In fact, I had plans to visit after my kids went back to school on September 7th.  Sadly, he passed away over Labor Day weekend so my next visit was to his memorial instead. It is surprising how attached I became to Jack considering the short time I knew him.  I felt cheated because I wanted to learn so much more about him.

When I walked into his memorial, which was held in a room that looked out on the location of The Barefoot Yacht Club, his children had a large portrait of him with this quote beneath it: “The most important thing is story-telling. It’s as singular and old fashioned as that.” His memorial (like his life) focused on Jack’s stories and his ability to coax a story out of anyone. He always said, “No matter who you are or what your circumstances are, we all have a story; and they’re all interesting.”

A woman got up to say a few words after the formal service and her comments made me realize once again why the Choose Wisely! project is so important. She spoke about what she learned from Jack – “that all our stories matter and most people are just waiting for someone to ask. Jack started something important here that I think we should continue.” She was referring to personally connecting with others by sharing your own stories and seeking out others. Jack would have been proud.

On the cover of the pamphlet they gave out was the following quote, which captured the essence of Jack, “Storytelling is what lights my fire.” Amen to that. It is so clear to me now why I was led to Jack for my first story. He understood the power of our stories and recognized them as the currency of life. But more importantly, he needed someone to hear his story before it died with him.

So, what are you waiting for? Maybe you’ve got a story to tell, or maybe you’ve just been called to listen to someone else’s. Maybe both. It’s your choice.

The Race is Life...

by Joanie Butman

The importance of fellowship was brought home to me unexpectedly this summer. I went out for my morning run forgetting the annual “Around-the-Cape” race was in progress. Part of the course coincided with my usual route. When I came up the hill and made the turn I found myself not only in the race, but near the front! I had two choices: gracefully sneak off a side street or just tag along for fun. Athleticism is not my forte and the possibility of ever running in a marathon is smaller than getting back into a size 6 in this lifetime. So, I decided to enjoy the moment. I have never run better. With people cheering and clapping and the other runners to inspire me, I could have gone much longer than I did.  They didn’t even know my name, yet they came out to cheer, encourage and hydrate total strangers. I’m sure everyone was amazed that after 12 miles I had yet to break a sweat and was clearly the only one smiling. After leaving them at my turnoff, I noticed my pace slowed significantly and with no encouragement from the sidelines, I could have easily walked the rest of the way exhausted by my brief moment of glory. The funniest part about it is that later in the day, someone on the beach came over to congratulate me for running in the race. “I had no idea you were an athlete.” Hah, with good reason. Now, I could have just thanked her and feigned humility but I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud and sharing the story.

Support, encouragement or someone coming up beside you makes the burdens of life lighter and the joys that much sweeter. It’s just a fact of life. I suppose you could look at this book project in the same light. The race is life, and we are all runners. Why wouldn’t we want to encourage and cheer each other on? We don’t need to know anyone’s name to offer our own stories as gifts of comfort or encouragement for someone walking the same road. It’s humanity at its best. We all enter the race alone but that isn’t meant to be a permanent condition. The people who run alongside us will vary day-to-day. Sometimes we will know them, sometimes we won’t.

We all have the ability to encourage and inspire. It could be as simple as a smile. No grand gestures, no expensive gifts, no credit – just helping or encouraging someone else for the pure joy of it. That’s what makes for a good day and a great life! As always, it’s your choice.